Masterchef....?

Sat on the sofa, glass of Bulmers to hand (in a wine glass - gotta keep some class) watching essentially what, at first glance, might appear to be a wank-off between 2 grown men. Yes, I refer to Masterchef - The Professionals, where 3 professional chefs compete with a selection of ingredients to see who can make Michel Roux (and some other bloke) have an orgasm in his pants first.

Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of fine food, and, contrary to tonights choice of beverage, enjoy a cheeky glass of wine, but when did gravy become reclassified as a 'jus'? And what's wrong with a dollop of condiment on the side of a plate? How uncouthe! One must use the back of a spoon and smear it across the plate before strategically placing 3 runner beans on it. And don't get me started on 'foam'.....a white mound of phlegm-like substance sliding round the plate. Should I ever be served a foam, I may tip the chef with a bottle of Benylin.

Tonights offerings in the dessert round all demonstrated another fashion in food - the trilogy. One pud ain't enough (and judging by the miniscule size, that's actually true) so they create a stoyboard of sweet delights, which lead seamlessly from one to the next. A common theme must run through them, be it a flavour, texture or shape, so should you struggle to make a decision as to which pud you want, a plate of all three makes perfect sense (if they were all the proper size)...

So when Michel and his lesser known sidekick taste the produce of the blood, sweat and tears of the shaky handed contestents, one might be mistaken into thinking that you are observing culinery foreplay, as they tease and fondle the food onto their fork, before ever so slowly raising it to their eager lips. At this point, you may feel the urge to change channel (or reach for the record button) as the over-anticipated moans and sighs indicate the immense pleasure experienced by this tiny morsel of food. I feel dirty (and a little hungry) so reach for 2 squares of Dairy Milk to satiate the urge. Ohhhhh yesssss. Mmmmmmm. It's so smooth....and creamy.....and....ohhhhhhhh..........

Oh dear........